I don't know man, this one is tough.
Picard and co. are en route to facilitate a peace treaty between two warring planets, the Krios and Valt. Picard tells some "ambassador" of Krios that he'll protect this mysterious cargo that is a gift to the Valt.
Data ain't buyin' this shit neither.
The pincher!
Really guys?
You believe these jokers?
Of course this is just all a rouse to get to the precious cargo. One of the Ferengi distracts the ambassador while the other starts messing around in the cargo bay.
The glowing container glowingly glows as Worf uselessly looks on...
And then this happens:
This lady came from a giant egg, people. She bypasses horndog Riker and heads straight for Picard, assuming he's Alrik of Valt, the dude she's been promised to as part of the peace agreement. She's a rare entity known as a empathic metamorph, who cannot help but change herself to please any man that she is around. Once she meets Alrik of Valt, she'll imprint on him and become his perfect mate.
WHAT?
Picard's all hell no, why the fuck am I transporting a sentient being, known as "Kamala," as cargo? Kamala assures him that she's fully consenting to marrying a man she's never met, even telling Picard it is her "sole purpose in life." This is disgusting. If you didn't turn this episode off immediately you are part of the problem. I'm part of the problem.
Picard has Riker escort Kamala to her quarters, which is always the best idea when dealing with a sex object, er, lady oozing copious amounts of pheromones.
Of course she shoves her tongue down Riker because that's what he wants her to do. Riker deflects the attention, stating he makes it "a policy to never open another man's gift." How thoughtful of you Riker. I'll be sure to put you on my Christmas card list.
Riker somehow controls his manly man parts (and gets a cookie, because that's what he deserves for restraining himself) and tells the bridge that "If you need me, I'll be in holodeck four." Like he isn't always in holodeck four. As we don't see him for the rest of the episode, two guesses as to what everyone's favorite Secret Santa is doing.
Do I really need to point out how grotesquely hetero normative and gender binary this whole thing is? I didn't think so. And where the fuck is Troi?
Over their simple breakfast of coffee and croissant, Crush tears Picard a new asshole in the way that only she can. In this case, the prime directive is bullshit, she tells him. He argues until she informs him that "that slave trader, who calls himself an ambassador, has her confined to her quarters."
Picard doesn't know this and Crusher smartly delivers: "Well it is your ship, maybe there are a few things you should find out about it."
Marry me
Picard wants to know what about her needs. Her needs are fulfilled by others.
He wants to know how she is when she is alone? She is incomplete.
She finds his questions curious but he actually backs away from her, leaving her alone to ponder.
A nice touch here as Kamala regards herself in the mirror as a sly smile emerges. She's alone, but she's thinking about him. Progress?
Data escorts Kamala around Ten Forward, chosen because he won't be tempted by her magic vagina. Naturally the bar is populated by some gross guys we've never seen before and will never see again. Because of course Star Fleet dudes are in control of their faculties. It's just those "others" that can't handle themselves. Ugh.
Worf tells the nasty bros to lay off and they're all scared of him, but not Data, who could kill all of them before he got injured or tired? Okay. Kamala is turned on by this because Worf is turned on by this manly man who mans display.
Is this supposed to be funny?
Kamala ends up back in the principal's office, naturally, because this is all her fault, leading the mens on like this.
She talks rocks with him.
DIRTY GIRL
Picard knows it's inappropriate to visit her but he knows that she knows that the only reason she won't give up is because part of him wants her to want him. Yes, that sentence makes sense and herein lies the problem with this ridiculous premise.
You look like my next mistake
Isn't there a Taylor Swift song about this?
The worthless Ferengi attempt to bribe the "ambassador" and end up fucking up his shit. Why are the Ferengi on the ship again? Oh yeah, plot device. Now Kamala and Picard have to work together! In close proximity! For two days!
Kamala asks Picard if he finds her attractive. He says he finds her unavailable. She reveals that she's never been alone! She's always had tutors instructing her in every possible subject so she'll be ready to mold her entire personality on a strange man.
But now, thanks to Picard's "curious questions," she's questioning her entire existence. Good job, Picard. Well done you.
And this wouldn't be the terrific episode it is without a little GINGER SHAMING. Picard meets his would be romantic rival and dude couldn't give two shits about the girl.
Picard meets Kamala alone in her quarters again, even though he knows this is a huge mistake.
He tells her he doesn't want to "use you the way other men do."
"But you're not other men. You could never use me." Is that really true? She's with you now so she's going to say shit like that to you so you feel better about yourself. Because you want her to justify all of this to you.
The next morning Picard looks rough.
Crusher knows exactly what time it is.
Picard asks if he could "take off the uniform" for a moment (interesting choice of words) and then actually blames Crusher for getting him into this situation.
Of course they end up holding hands, probably to appease the angry hordes of shippers who are chucking shoes at their televisions. Wait, just me?
Beautiful mirror shot of Kamala regarding herself for her big day. But she isn't smiling this time.
Why is her gown so western US?
Kamala tells him all about the rewards of finally becoming her true self and how wonderful it is to hear yourself say, "I like myself when I am with him." This is textbook co dependence friends.
She tells him there's no greater pleasure for a metamorph than to bond with such a stellar guy, "as I've bonded with you."
D'oh!
Picard, what did you think was going on when you were playing hide the pokey in her quarters all night? Now Kamala delivers the crushing blow. "Who I am today, I will be forever. He'll never know. I'm still empathic. I will be able to please him."
"I only hope he likes Shakespeare."
Perhaps I'll give Trek the benefit of the doubt for juxtaposing a traditional western marriage ceremony with...nah.
So much passion!
Yah, you screwed up.
Kamala goes off into the sunset with her duped paramour. The ambassador is leaving the Enterprise, but not before he learns how the hell Picard resisted her. Picard just STFU's him. Heh.
EPIC FAIL
There are so many reasons to hate this episode, but let me leave you with one parting thought. How many lonely people watched this episode and thought, hey this is true love. Because it's enough knowing you've met your soulmate, regardless of how they came to be "perfect" for you. Because they exists that way in your mind, without you having to interact with them. They always say and do exactly what you would want them to, because they are perfect for you in every way. So you're okay with never truly being with them. Because there is something noble about doing your duty and carrying on with your life, knowing you can never be with the person that makes you feel the most like you.
Fuck that and fuck this episode with a corncob to the ear.
D -
I, too, am part of the problem.
ReplyDeleteI watched this episode a couple of days ago from my sick bed. I'll admit that the Riker interaction was gross as fuck but part of me was revelling in how many stupid choices were made in this episode. Have her escorted by Riker? And then Data? Where *was* troi in this episode? Maybe kamala would have enjoyed some female company for a change. How come Crusher is the only person commenting on how fucked up this entire thing is?